UBU ROI
by Alfred Jarry
Translated by Oakley Hall III
A NOTE ON THE TEXT
A number of supernumeraries have been eliminated. Buggerlass’s brothers, for example, have disappeared, and all references to them have been excised. One actor should now play all the peasants, all the nobles, all the judges, etc. The Battle Scene in ACT IV consists only of MacTurdy and the Czar on the Russian side, Ubu and One Plodin on the Polish.
I have also taken certain liberties with the text in areas not strictly governed by the above consideration. This translation is intended to be performed, and has been worked on through a long rehearsal period: cuts and changes have been made in it as if it were a new play. I am not particularly concerned that this arrogant behavior may lay me open to the assaults of the academics, who have had Jarry all to themselves for too long, anyway. He may be writhing in his grave, but I doubt it.
--Oakley Hall III
CHARACTERS
UBU
MOTHER UBU
MACTURDY
MEN
MESSENGER
KING WENCESLAS
BUGGERLASS (His Son)
QUEEN ROSEMONDE
PLODIN BAR-SNISTER
PLODIN LAP-BONE
PLODIN BUTTOCKSMOUSTACHE
MICHAEL FEDEROVITCH
NOBLES
FINANCIERS
MAGISTRATES
CLERK
PEASANT
CZAR
A BEAR
SHIP CAPTAIN
GHOST
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(placard: ACT ONE)
UBU:
Shins
MOTHER UBU:
O, that’s nice, Ubu. You moron.
UBU
Why don’t I murder you, Mother Ubu?
MOTHER UBU
It’s not me, Ubu, it’s somebody else should be murdered.
UBU
Upon my green candle, I don’t know what you’re talking about.
MOTHER UBU
Ubu, are you satisfied with your life?
UBU
Shins, Madame, of course I am, I’m captain of Dragoons, personal aide to King Wenceslas, decorated with the Order of the Polish Red Eagle, and retired King of Aragon. What more could I want?
MOTHER UBU
What, after you’ve been King of Aragon, you’re content to command fifty churls armed with cabbage-cutters, when you could decorate your chump with the crown of Poland?
UBU
Ah, Mother Ube, I don’t know what you’re talking about.
MOTHER UBU
You moron.
UBU
Upon my green candle, King Wenceslas is still alive; and even supposing he dies, there’s his son Buggerlass.
MOTHER UBU
And who is stopping you from massacring the whole family, and taking over?
UBU
Mother Ubu, you insult me deeply. You’re going to end up in the pot.
MOTHER UBU
You moron. If I end up in the pot, who is going to sew up the seat of your pants, I suppose?
UBU
All right. So what? Don’t I have buns like everybody else?
MOTHER UBU
If I were you, I’d want to put those buns on a throne. You could get rich.
UBU
If I were King, I’d have them make me a big helmet, like the one I had in Aragon, that those Spics stole from me.
MOTHER UBU
And you could have an umbrella of your own, and a big overcoat.
UBU
The temptation is too great. Buggershins. Shinsbugger. If I ever meet him in a dark corner, he’ll have a bad quarter of an hour.
MOTHER UBU
Now you’re talking like a real man, Ubu.
UBU
But no! I, Captain of Dragoons, assassinate the King of Poland? Rather die myself!
MOTHER UBU
Shins. So, you’d rather starve like a rat?
UBU
Scazoons. Upon my green candle, I’d rather starve like a good slender rat, than be rich like a wicked fat cat!
MOTHER UBU
And the helmet? and the umbrella? and the big overcoat?
UBU
So what, Mother Ubu?
(EXIT)
MOTHER UBU (solus)
Prrrrrrrt, Shins! His trigger is hard to pull, but Prrrrrrrt
Shins, I’ll find a way to fire him. By the Grace of God and myself, perhaps in a week, I’ll be queen of Poland!
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(SCENE 2: A BANQUET: UBU & MOTHER UBU)
MOTHER UBU
Hey! Our guests are very late!
UBU
Upon my green candle, I’m dying of hunger. Mother Ubu, you’re looking very ugly today: is it because we have guests?
MOTHER UBU
Shins.
UBU (seizing a chicken)
I’m hungry. I’m going to bite this bird.
MOTHER UBU
What are you doing, you moron? What will our guests eat?
UBU
There will be enough for them. I won’t eat any more. Mother Ubu, look out the window and see if our guests are coming,
(He steals a leg of lamb.)
MOTHER UBU
I don’t see anything. Ah, here comes Captain MacTurdy and his men. What are you eating, Ubu?
UBU
Nothing.
MOTHER UBU
He’s eaten the veal!
UBU
I’ll rip out your eyes!
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(SCENE 3: enter MACTURDY & MEN)
MOTHER UBU
Good day, gentlemen.
MACTURDY
Good day, Madame. But where is Ubu?
UBU
Right here! Right here! Scazoons, upon my green candle, I’m big enough!
MACTURDY
Good day, Ubu, Hey, Mother Ubu, what’s good today?
MOTHER UBU
Here’s the menu:
Polish Soup, Ribs of Whatsit, Veal, Chicken, Doggy Pate, Turkey Rump, Russian Crackers ,,,
UBU
There’s more?
MOTHER UBU
Piggit, Salad, Fruit, Dessert, Bouillion, Yams, Cauliflower in Shins Sauce ...
UBU
What do you think I am, Emperor of China? Who’s going to pay for all this?
MOTHER UBU
Eat, Ubu. Here’s the Polish Soup.
UBU
Bugger! It’s awful!
MACTURDY
It’s not good, as a matter of fact.
MOTHER UBU
You bunch of Arabs, what do you want?
UBU
I’ll be back in a second. (goes)
MOTHER UBU
To the rumps!
MACTURDY
Exquisite! Superb!
(Enter UBU with Unmentionable Brush.)
UBU
Just taste this! (MEN fall poisoned.)
MOTHER UBU
You moron! What are you doing?
UBU
Everybody out! Captain MacTurdy, I want to talk to you.
MEN
Hey! We haven’t eaten!
UBU
What do you mean, you haven’t eaten? Everybody out! MacTurdy, you stay. (to MEN) You’re not gone? Upon my green candle, I’ll pelt you with Ribs!
(HE throws ribs.)
MEN
OH! AI! Help! Save us! Woe!
UBU
Shins Shins Shins! Out!
MEN
Dirty old Ubu! Stingy bum!
UBU
Ah, they’re gone. Well, MacTurdy, how did you like your meal?
MACTURDY
Very good, sir, except for the shins.
UBU
Ah, the shins wasn’t bad.
MOTHER UBU
To each his own.
UBU
Captain MacTurdy, I have decided to make you Duke of Lithuania.
MACTURDY
What? I thought you were poverty-stricken, Ubu.
UBU
In a few days, with your assistance, I’ll be King of Poland,
MACTURDY
You’re going to kill Wenceslas?
UBU
The bugger’s not stupid. He’s guessed it.
MACTURDY
If you want to kill Wenceslas, I’m your man. I’m his mortal enemy, and I’ll vouch for my men as well.
UBU (embracing him)
Oh! I love you, MacTurdy!
MACTURDY
Pew! You stink, Ubu. Don’t you ever wash?
UBU
Not very often.
MOTHER UBU
Never.
UBU
Go on, MacTurdy. I’m through with you. Upon my green candle, I swear by Mother Ubu to make you Duke of Lithuania! (Exit MACTURDY.)
MOTHER UBU
But --
UBU
Silence, sweet child!
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(SCENE 4: enter a MESSENGER)
MESSENGER
Sir, you are summoned by the King. (exit)
UBU
Oh! Shins! Hornscazoons! Upon my green candle, I’m found out! I’ll be beheaded! Alas! Alas!
MOTHER UBU
What a coward.
UBU
I’ll say it was Mother Ubu and MacTurdy!
MOTHER UBU
You fat lump --- if you say that ---
UBU
Ha ha! I’ll dance to that tune! (Exit)
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(SCENE 5. Placard: THE PALACE OF THE KING. KING WENCESLAS, BUGGERLASS; enter UBU.)
UBU
O, Sire, it wasn’t me! It was Mother Ubu and MacTurdy!
KING
What’s the matter with you, Ubu? I wish to reward you for your many services as Captain of Dragoons. Today I name you Count of Sandomir.
UBU
O, Mr. Wenceslas, I don’t know how to thank you!
KING
Don’t thank me, Ubu, just be at the big parade tomorrow.
UBU
I’ll be there, but please, accept this little kazoo.
KING
At my age? What would I do with a kazoo? I’ll give it to Buggerlass.
BUGGERLASS
What a moron.
UBU
And now, I will depart -- (He falls down) -- O! Ai! Help! I’ve ruptured a gut and bust my shinsbone!
KING
Have you hurt yourself, Ubu?
UBU
I’m dying! What will become of poor Mother Ubu?
KING
We’ll take good care of her, Ubu.
UBU
You are very kind (Out:) in your last moments. But, King Wenceslas, you won’t be any the less massacreed for that!
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(SCENE 6; UBU, MOTHER UBU, MACTURDY, MEN)
MACTURDY
Speak, Ubu!
UBU
Well, my friends, I am of the opinion that we should simply poison the King by putting arsenic in his lunch. When he tries to digest it, he falls down dead, and I shall be King!
ALL
Boo! Hiss!
UBU
You don’t like it? All right, MacTurdy, what’s your opinion?
MACTURDY
I think a powerful sword blow would split him from his bald spot to his belt buckle.
ALL
Yes! That is brave and noble!
UBU
And what if he kicks you? Remember, he wears steel-capped shoes for parades, which hurt! If I were smart I’d turn you all in and take the reward.
ALL
Boo! Hiss! Coward! Traitor!
UBU
Hey, gentlemen, shut up, or I’ll stick you all in my pocket! All right! Now, you, MacTurdy, make sure to chop the King.
MACTURDY
Wouldn’t it be best if we all jumped on him, shouting and screaming? That way, there’s a chance the Army will follow.
UBU
All right. I’ll trample on his toes, he’ll struggle, I’ll say SHINS, and on that signal, you jump on him.
MOTHER UBU
Don’t forget to snatch the crown and sceptre!
MACTURDY
My men and I will make sure of the Royal Family.
UBU
Allow me to recommend especially young Buggerlass. O, gentlemen, we forgot one indispensible ceremony. We must swear to do everything, as much as we can.
MACTURDY
But we have no priest.
UBU
Mother Ubu will do the office. Now swear to kill the King, good and dead.
ALL
We swear.
UBU
Long live Ubu!
ALL
Hmmmmmm.
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(Placard: ACT II; THE PALACE OF THE KING, KING WENCESLAS, QUEEN ROSEMONDE, BUGGERLASS)
KING
Well, young Buggerlass, you were very impertinent this morning to Mr. Ubu, knight of mine and Count of Sandomir. That is why I forbid you to come to my parade.
QUEEN
But Wenceslas, you should have all your family around to defend you.
KING
Madame, I never go back on a statement I have made.
BUGGERLASS
I obey, Father.
QUEEN
But Sire, do you insist on going to this parade?
KING
And why not, Madame?
QUEEN
Once again I saw him in my dream, striking you with a great club and then throwing you into the Vistula, and an eagle, like the one on the Polish coat-of-arms, placing the crown on his head
KING
Whose head?
QUEEN
Ubu’s!
KING
What nonsense! Monsieur de Ubu is a fine gentleman who would allow himself to be torn by horses in my service.
QUEEN & BUGGERLASS
How wrong!
KING
Shut up, you young rip! And, Madame, to prove how little I fear Mr. Ubu, I shall go to the parade without armor, and without a sword.
QUEEN
O fatal imprudence! I shall not see you alive again,
KING
Bah. (Exit.)
QUEEN & BUGGERLAS
May God and St. Nicholas protect you!
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(SCENE 2: THE PARADE GROUND: KING WENCESLAS, UBU)
KING
Ah, here is my Danzig horse-guards regiment. My faith, but they are handsome.
UBU
You think so? They look wretched to me. Look at this one: How long since you shaved, clown?
KING
But this soldier is strangely clean. What’s the matter with you, Ubu?
UBU (Tramples his toes)
This!
KING
You oaf!
UBU
SHINS! At him, men!
MACTURDY, ETC.
Hurrah! Attack! (KING falls under a rain of blows)
KING
Help! Holy Mother, I’m killed!
UBU
I have the crown. Now for the Royal Family!
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(SCENE 3: QUEEN and BUGGERLASS
BUGGERLASS
There is nothing to fear, Mother.
(A terrible NOISE off.)
Ah! What do I see? My Father pursued by Ubu and his men!
QUEEN
O my God! Holy virgin, he’s losing ground! Alas, those maniacs have invaded the Palace! They’re coming up the stairs!
QUEEN and BUGGERLASS
O, God protect us!
BUGGERLASS
That Ubu! That scoundrel, that bum! If I had him --
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(SCENE 4: ENTER UBU)
UBU
So, Buggerlass, what would to do to me?
BUGGERLASS
Dear God! I will defend my mother to the death.
UBU
Ho! MacTurdy! I’m frightened!
BUGGERLASS
Villain! Drunkard! Hired thug! Mother, flee by the secret stairway!
QUEEN
And you, my Son?
BUGGERLASS
I’ll follow. (EXIT QUEEN)
UBU
Catch that Queen! Ach, she’s gone -- as for you, you wretched --
BUGGERLASS
VENGEANCE! (Slashes UBU’s gutsack with a mighty blow)
Mother, I’m coming! (Disappears by the secret stair.)
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(SCENE 5. placard: A CAVE IN THE MOUNTAINS. BUGGERLASS, QUEEN.)
BUGGERLASS
Here we will be safe.
QUEEN
Buggerlass, hold me up!
BUGGERLASS
Mater! What’s the matter?
QUEEN
Believe me, Buggerlass, I have but two hours to live. How can I support so many blows? The King murdered, our family destroyed, and you, scion of the most noble race ever to carry sword, forced to flee into the mountains like a smuggler!
BUGGERLASS
And by whom? Great God, by a vulgar Ubu, an adventurer from who-knows-where, vile gutterspawn, shameful rag-picker! And when I think that my father decorated him and made him Count, and the next day this shameless villain turns on him!
QUEEN
O Buggerlass! When I remember how happy we were before this Ubu came. But now, alas! everything is changed.
BUGGERLASS
What can we do? Wait with hope and never renounce our rights!
QUEEN
I wish you well, dear child, but I will never see that happy day.
BUGGERLASS
Eh? What is it? She turns pale! She falls! Oh, help! Her heart beats no more. Is this possible? Yet another victim of Ubu. O my God. How terrible to find oneself just fourteen years old with a terrible vengeance to pursue.
(HE falls prey to the most violent despair, and sleeps)
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(SCENE 6: Enter GHOST, who wakes BUGGERLASS)
BUGGERLASS
What do I see? All my family, my ancestors? What miracle is this?
GHOST
Buggerlass, we give you the burden of our vengeance. Let this sword not rest until it has smited to death the Usurper.
(HE gives BUGGERLASS an immense sword.)
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(SCENE 7: UBU’S PALACE: UBU, MOTHER UBU, MACTURDY.)
UBU
Forget it! You want to bankrupt me!
MOTHER UBU
Ubu, if you don’t distribute food and money, you’ll be deposed in two hours.
UBU
Food yes; money, no! Slaughter three old horses, that’s good enough for these pigs. I want to be rich! I will not give up a cent!
MACTURDY
Well, I know of an immense treasure hidden in the chapel. We’ll distribute that.
UBU
If you do...
MACTURDY
But Ubu, if you don’t distribute money, the people won’t want to pay their taxes.
UBU
Oh well! In that case, get together three millions, cook up 150 oxen and sheep, and I’ll eat some too!
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(SCENE 8: same, UBU with gold)
UBU
Here’s gold! Promise me you’ll pay your taxes?
VOICES
Yes! Yes!
UBU
Look, Mother Ubu, how they’re fighting over the gold! What a battle!
MOTHER UBU
Truly, this is horrible! Look, there’s one had his head busted!
UBU
What a show! Bring me more gold!
MACTURDY
If we had a race ...
UBU
That’s an idea! My friends, you see this chest of gold? It contains 300,000 rose nobles, Polish coin of the best alloy. Those who wish to race gather at the start.
MACTURDY
They’re off.
UBU
The leader’s losing ground.
MOTHER UBU
No, he’s gaining!
MACTURDY
He’s losing! He’s losing! Across the finish line: it’s the Other One! (The one that was
SECOND finishes FIRST.)
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(SCENE 9: Add POLE)
POLE
Sire, I don’t know how to thank your Majesty ...
UBU
My dear friend, it’s nothing. Take this chest home.
VOICES
Long live Ubu!
UBU
Today we open to you the gates of Our Palace!
VOICES
Long live Ubu! The most noble and generous of kings!
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ACT III
(SCENE I: UBU, MOTHER UBU)
UBU
Upon my green candle, here I am King in this country; I’ve already got a fine indigestion, and they’re bringing me my big helmet!
MOTHER UBU
What’s it to be made of, Ubu? Even if we are kings, we must be thrifty.
UBU
Madame Female, it is made of sheepskin, with a strap and rotor of dogskin.
MOTHER UBU
We owe a great deal to the Duke of Lithuania.
UBU
Who?
MOTHER UBU
Eh? Captain MacTurdy!
UBU
Please, Mother Ubu, don’t mention that wormwit. Now that I have no more need of him, he can go and soak his head. He won’t be any Duke around here.
MOTHER UBU
You’re making a mistake, Ubu! He’ll turn against you.
UBU
Poor little man, he worries me about as much as Buggerlass.
MOTHER UBU
Do you imagine you have heard the last of Buggerlass?
UBU
What do you think that brat of 14 years could do to me?
MOTHER UBU
O, I think Buggerlass may triumph, for he has the power of right.
UBU
Dirt. Isn’t it just as good to have the power of wrong? You aggravate me Mother Ubu! I’m going to divide you up.
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(SCENE 2: UBU, MOTHER UBU; later, NOBLES, FINANCIERS, MAGISTRATES)
UBU
Bring on the Nobles! I have the honor of announcing to you that in order to enrich the kingdom, I am going to make all the Nobles die, and take their money.
NOBLES
O Horrible! Defend us, people and soldiers!
UBU
Those that are condemned to Death, I’ll stick in the hole; they’ll fall through the cellar to the PorkRack in the Dungeon, where they’ll be relieved of their brains. Identify yourself, maggot.
NOBLE
Count of Vitepsk.
UBU
And your revenues?
NOBLE
3 million Polish dollars.
UBU
Guilty! (UBU flings the NOBLE in the hole.)
MOTHER UBU
Such ignoble ferocity!
UBU
Second Noble. Name? will you answer, Peasant?
NOBLE
Grand Duke of Posen.
UBU
Fine! Excellent. I ask no more. Into the hole. Third Noble! Your name, scumface?
NOBLE
Duke of Courlande, of the towns of Riga, Rival, and Mitau,
UBU
Very good. Very good. Nothing else?
NOBLE
Nothing.
UBU
Into the hole, then. Fourth Noble?
NOBLE
Prince of Podolia.
UBU
Income?
NOBLE
I’m bankrupt.
UBU
For that slander, into the hole! Fifth Noble?
NOBLE
Margrave of Thorn, Palatine of Polocki.
UBU
I can stand it. Nothing more?
NOBLE
It was enough for me.
UBU
Well! A little is better than nothing, I suppose. Into the hole. What’s stuck in your throat, Mother Ubu?
MOTHER UBU
You’re too bloodthirsty, Ubu.
UBU
What? I’m getting rich. Well,I want to make some laws now.
MOTHER UBU
This should be good.
JUDGES
We are opposed to any changes.
UBU
Shins. First, Judges will no longer be paid.
JUDGES
How will we live? We are poor men!
UBU
You may keep the fines you impose, and the properties of anyone you condemn to death.
JUDGES
Horrors! Infamy! Scandalous! Absurd! We refuse to judge under such conditions!
UBU
Judges into the Hole!
MOTHER UBU
But Ubu, who is going to administer justice?
UBU
Me. You’ll see, it’ll be fine.
MOTHER UBU
Ah, sure. Great.
UBU
Shut up. Now, gentlemen, let us proceed to Phynance.
FINANCIERS
There is nothing to change.
UBU
What? I want to change everything! First, I want half the taxes for myself. We shall impose a tax of 10 per cent on property, another on commerce and industry, a third on marriage, and a fourth on death, of 15 Polish Dollars.
FINANCIERS
But that’s stupid, Mr. Ubu. It’s absurd. There’s no sense to it.
UBU
Into the Hole, Phynanciers!
MOTHER UBU
What kind of a king are you, Ubu? You’re massacring everybody.
UBU
Shins.
MOTHER UBU
No more Justice, no more Phynance?
UBU
Don’t you worry about a thing, my sweet child. I will go myself, from village to village, to collect the taxes.
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(SCENE 3. Placard: A PEASANT HOVEL. PEASANT, Later, UBU & PLODIN)
PEASANT
The king is dead, also the Dukes, and young Buggerlass has fled to the hills with his mother. What’s more, Ubu has seized the throne. I just came from Cracow, where I saw the carcasses of more than 300 Nobles and 500 Judges, murdered; and the taxes have doubled, and Ubu is collecting them himself. Great God! What is to become of us? Ubu is a frightful villain, and his family, they say, abominable. But listen, would you say there is someone knocking at the door?
VOICE
Horngutbelly! Open up, by my shins; by St. John, St, Peter and St. Nicholas! Open up! Sword of pecuniarity, Phynance Horn! I’ve come for my taxes!
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(SCENE 4: the same, Enter UBU and PLODIN)
UBU
Who is the eldest here? Your name?
PEASANT
Stanislas Lescinski.
UBU
All right. Horngutbelly! Listen carefully, or this gent will crop your earholes. Hey! Will you listen?
PEASANT
But sir, you haven’t said anything.
UBU
What? I’ve been talking for an hour. Do you think I came here to preach in the desert?
PEASANT
Furthest thing from my mind.
UBU
I come to suggest that you produce and display all your phynances, or be massacreed.
PEASANT
Sire, we are only down on the tax rolls for 152 Polish Dollars, which we already paid, six weeks ago.
UBU
That may be, but I’ve changed the government, and published in the newspapers that everybody must pay all taxes twice, at least. With this system I shall soon be rich, and then I’ll kill everybody and go home.
PEASANT
Mr. Ubu, please, have pity on us. We are poor citizens.
UBU
What do I care? Pay up, or I’ll put you in my pocket, with tortures and dismemberment of the neck and head! Horngutbelly! I am the King, perhaps!
PEASANT
So! To arms! Long live Buggerlass, by Grace of God, King of Poland and Lithuania!
UBU
Tax collectors, charge!
(A Battle. PEASANT flees across the plains.)
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(SCENE 5: THE DONJON OF THORN.
MACTURDY,manacled, UBU)
UBU
Well, citizen: you wanted me to pay you what I owed you, and then you conspired against me because I didn’t want to, and here you are in-car-cer-Ated.
MACTURDY
Take care, Ubu. In the five days you have been King, you have committed enough murders to damn all the saints in Paradise. The blood of the King and Nobles cries for vengeance, and those cries will be heard.
UBU
Eh, my friend, you have a well-hung tongue. I have no doubt that should you escape there might be complications, but I don’t think the Donjon of Thorn has ever let slip a single one of the honest lads confided to its care. So, good night, I suggest you sleep with your earholes shut, since the rats here dance a wild saraband! (Exit UBU.
MACTURDY makes his ESCAPE, and arrives at:
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(SCENE 6: THE PALACE OF MOSCOW: CZAR, MACTURDY)
CZAR
Are you the infamous adventurer who assisted at the death of our cousin Wenceslas?
MACTURDY
Sire, pardon me. I was forced by Ubu, against my will.
CZAR
What do you want?
MACTURDY
Ubu had me imprisoned under pretext of conspiracy, I managed to escape. I travelled five days and nights on horseback across the steppes to beg your gracious mercy.
CZAR
What do you bring me as gage of your submission?
MACTURDY
My adventurer’s sword, and a detailed plan of the City of Thorn.
CZAR
The sword I accept, but by St. George, burn this map. I will not owe my victory to a treacherous act.
MACTURDY
Young Buggerlass, son of Wenceslas, still lives. I will do my all to put him on the throne.
CZAR
I appoint you under-lieutenant of the 10th Cossack Regiment, and woe to you is you betray me. If you fight well, you will be rewarded.
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(SCENE 7 Back at UBU’S PALACE. UBU, MOTHER UBU, later, a MESSENGER)
UBU
This meeting is now open. Try to listen well and shut up. First, the subject of Phynance: I can tell you that our Phynances go along tolerably well. A considerable number of my Phynancial bloodhounds disperse themselves through the streets each morning, and the scumbags work miracles. On every side one sees nothing but burnt-out houses, the poor wretches bowed to earth ‘neath the weight of our Phynance.
MOTHER UBU
The tax on marriage has only produced 11 cents, even though Ubu himself chases people and forces them to get married.
UBU
Mother Shins, I will not tolerate your moralizing, I have ears to speak, and a mouth to hear myself! Or, rather, no! You’ve made me stupid, by Ubu’s Horn! (A MESSENGER enters.) What do you want? Get out of here, ass-whisper, or I’ll pocket you with decapitation and leg-twisting!
MOTHER UBU
He’s gone, but here’s a letter.
UBU
Read it. I’m either losing my mind, or I never learned how to read. This must be from MacTurdy.
MOTHER UBU
That’s right. He says the Czar received him very well, and that he will invade your states to restore Buggerlass to the throne, and have you killed.
UBU
Oh, oh! I’m frightened! O wretched man that I am, Lord, what is to become of me?
MOTHER UBU
There’s only one thing to do, Ubu.
UBU
What’s that, my love?
MOTHER UBU
WAR! Come, we must organize the Army, prepare artillery and defences, assemble provisions and money for the troops.
UBU
Ah, no! I’ll kill you! I don’t want to spend any money. I, who used to be paid to make war, make it now at my own expense? Forget it. Upon my green candle, let us have a war, since you’re in the mood, but I will not spend a penny!
MOTHER UBU
WAR! WAR!
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(Scene 8: THE CAMP. UBU, armed, MOTHER UBU, PLODIN.)
PLODIN
Long live Poland! Long live Ubu!
UBU
I’m so weighed down with armor, I won’t be able to run if I’m chased.
MOTHER UBU
What a coward.
UBU
Now I’m going to mount my horse. Gentlemen, bring on my Phynancial Horse.
MOTHER UBU
Ubu, your horse won’t be able to carry you. He hasn’t had a thing to eat in five days, and might as well be dead.
UBU
Well, that’s fine. I pay out twelve cents a day for that nag, and it won’t carry me! Ubu’s Horn, are you teasing me, or robbing me? But I won’t go on foot, horngutsack!
(A HORSE is brought in) (or just OFF STAGE)
I’m going to get on top of it. Better sit down, or I’ll fall. Ah! Stop this animal! Great God, I’m going to fall and be dead!
MOTHER UBU
What a moron.
UBU
Body Horns, I’m partly dead. All the same, I’m going to war, and I’m going to kill everybody. Woe to him that don’t march straight. I’ll stick ‘em in my pocket, with wrenching of the nose and teeth
and ex-tract-ion of the tongue!
MOTHER UBU
Good luck, Ubu.
UBU
I forgot to tell you that you will be regent in my absence. But it’s too bad for you if you try to rob me, because I have the account books. I leave you the Plodin Lap-Bone. Farewell, Mother Ubu!
MOTHER UBU
Farewell, Ubu! Kill the Czar good!
UBU
Oh, surely! Torqueing of the nose and teeth, extraction of the tongue, and forced penetration of the little stick of wood into the earholes!
(EXEUNT UBU and ARMY.)
MOTHER UBU (Out)
Now that yonder obese burlesque is gone, we’ll try to do some business, murder Buggerlass, and get possession of the Treasure.
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(PLACARD; ACT IV; THE CRYPT; MOTHER UBU)
MOTHER UBU
All right, where’s this Treasure? None of these stones sounds
hollow. I’ve counted thirteen stones past the tomb of Ladislas the Great, and there’s nothing. Ho, there’s a hollow stone: to work, Mother Ubu. Eh? What’s that noise? Could there be life in these ancient vaults? No, it’s nothing. This money will be better off in the daylight than in the tombs of retired princes. There’s that noise again! I feel a strange fear in this place. I’ll get the rest of the gold another day.
VOICE
NEVER, MOTHER UBU!
(SHE flees.)
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(Scene 2: THE SQUARE; BUGGERLASS, later, MOTHER UBU, LAP-BONE.)
BUGGERLASS
Ubu is gone, there’s only the witch of a wife and some Plodins. I offer myself to march at your head and to re-establish the race of my fathers on the throne!
VOICES
Long live Buggerlass!
BUGGERLASS
And we will abolish all taxes imposed by the monster Ubu!
VOICES
Hurrah! Forward! To the Palace!
(ENTER MOTHER UBU and LAP-BONE)
BUGGERLASS
There’s Mother Ubu stepping out with her Gigolo!
MOTHER UBU
What do you want, gentlemen? Ah! It’s Buggerlass!
LAP-BONE
Ho! So! (Draws his sword.)
BUGGERLASS
Defend yourself, cowardly thug!
LAP-BONE
I’m killed!
BUGGERLASS
Victory, friends! After Mother Ubu!
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(Scene 3: THE POLISH ARMY MARCHING IN THE UKRAINE. UBU, PLODIN.)
UBU
Hornscazoons! God’s shanks! We’re going to die of thirst and fatigue!
(ENTER PLODIN.)
PLODIN
Honh, Swire, Nicholas Rensky reporting!
UBU
So?
PLODIN
Honh, Swire, all is lost! The Polacks have reevolted, Lap-Bone is murdereed, and Mother Yubu has fled to the mountains!
UBU
Shins, fellow, if I believed you I’d turn the army around, but you have dreamed this nonsense. To the front lines, my boy. The Russians are not far off, and we shall soon have to club it out with them, by Shins, Phynance, and Physics!
(A CANNONBALL.)
UBU
Dear God, I’m dead! On the other hand, I’m all right.
PLODIN
Honh, Swire, the Russians are attacking.
UBU
What do you want me to do? I didn’t invite ‘em. Oh,well, Gentlemen of Phynance, let us prepare to do battle.
(ANOTHER CANNONBALL.)
PLODIN
Another Cannonball!
UBU
I’m not hanging around here, Our precious person could be damaged!
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(Scene 4: ENTER MACTURDY)
MACTURDY
For God and the Czar! Here’s your balance brought forward!
PLODIN
I’m killed!
UBU
Pif! Paf! Well, so far, I’ve got more bumps on my head than laurels!
MACTURDY
By St. George, I’ve fallen!
UBU
Ah, it’s you, MacTurdy! Ah, my friend, we’re all so happy to see you again. I’m going to have you cooked over a slow fire. Knights of Phynance, light a fire ...
(MACTURDY draws a PISTOL, and shoots UBU.)
Ah! Oh! I’m killed! I’ve been struck by a cannonball, at least! O God forgive my sins! Death at the hands of a cannonball.
MACTURDY
It was a pistol filled with birdshot!
UBU
So! You laugh at me? Into the pocket!
(HE tears MACTURDY to pieces.
ENTER PLODIN.)
PLODIN
Honh, Swire, we are advancing on all fronts.
UBU
I am covered with kick-wounds. I can do no more.
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(Scene 5: ENTER the CZAR.)
CZAR
En Garde, your Majesty!
UBU (flees)
Please, sir, excuse me! I didn’t mean anything by it! Holy Mother, the maniac is following me! What have I done to deserve this? Oh, there’s the ditch! The Czar behind and the ditch in front! Courage, and eyes closed!
(HE jumps the ditch.)
CZAR
Ho! I’ve fallen in!
PLODIN
Down with the Czar!
UBU
Ah, good, they’re hitting him. Go at him, Polacks! He can take it, the bugger! Well, our prediction has been fulfilled: the Medicine-Club has done wonders,and no doubt I would have completely killed him had not an inexplicable terror come over us, which nullified and counteracted the effects of our courage.
Ho, it begins again!
PLODIN
Let’s get out of here! (EXIT.)
UBU
Right. Let’s get out of here.
(EXEUNT OMNES.)
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(Scene 6: A CAVE IN LITHUANIA. UBU, PLODINS (BAR-SNISTER, BUTTOCKSMOUSTACHE)).
UBU
Dog’s weather! It’s cold enough to split a stone, and the person of the Master of Phynance find itself distressed! Hey, Mr. Bar-Snister, how’s your earhole?
BAR-SNISTER
Swire, as well as it could be, and still be very bad off. The reason is because, the lead drags it down, and ...
UBU
Well, that’s good. Like us, you love to fight. Ourself, we have displayed the utmost courage, and without exposing ourself rashly, We have massacred four enemies with our own hands, not counting the ones that were already dead when we finished off.
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?(Scene 7: ENTER a BEA
R.BEAR
Hnrrronh!
PLODINS
Honh! Swire!
UBU
Oh, look at the little doggy!
BUTTOCKSMOUSTACHE
Watch out! An enormous bear!
UBU
A bear! Oh, the horrid critter! Poor man, here I am eaten! He’s coming toward No, he’s got Bar-Snister, I can breathe.
(BEAR attacks PLODINS.)
BAR-SNISTER
Help me Buttocksmoustache! Help, Muster Yubu!
UBU
Help yourself, my friend. At the moment we are saying our Paternoster. Sanctificetur nomen tuum ...
BUTTOCKSMOUSTACHE
Ah! He’s biting me! I’m killed!
UBU
Fiat voluntas tuas...
BAR-SNISTER
I’ve stung him!
BUTTOCKSMOUSTACHE
He’s bleeding!
BAR-SNISTER
Hang on, whilst I get my punch-bomb!
UBU
Panem nostrum quotidianum da nobis hodie...
BAR-SNISTER
I got ‘im! (An EXPLOSION. BEAR dies.)
UBU
Sed libera nos a malo. Amen. Well, is he dead? Can I come down from my rock?
BUTTOCKSMOUSTACHE
Whenever you like.
UBU
You way flatter yourselves that if you are still alive and trampling the soils of Lithuania, you owe it all to the magnanimous virtue of the Master of Phynance, who has howled and shouted and worn himself out to pander Paternosters for your health, and who has wielded the spiritual artillery of prayer with as much courage as you have the punch-bomb of the here-present Plodin Bar-Snister.
BUTTOCKSMOUSTACHE
Cowardly bugger.
UBU
This is a huge beast, gentlemen! What a gut! The Greeks would have been much more comfortable there than in the wooden horse. Why, but a little more, dear friends, we would have been able with our
own eyes to verify his interior capacity.
BUTTOCKSMOUSTACHE
I’m starving. What’s for dinner?
BAR-SNISTER
The bear.
UBU
Poor fools, are you going to eat it raw? It seems to me there’s a little wood not far from here, where there must be some dry branches. Go get some, Sir Bar-Snister.
(EXIT BAR-SNISTER)
BUTTOCKSMOUSTACHE
Honh, Swire, let’s cut up the bear.
UBU
Oh, no,it might not be dead. Look, you’re already half chewed and bitten all over, you do it. I’ll start the fire while we’re waiting for some wood.
(BUTTOCKSMOUSTACHE starts cutting.)
Look out! It moved!
BUTTOCKSMOUSTACHE
Honh, swire, it’s already cold.
UBU
That’s too bad. It would have been better to eat it hot. This will give the Master of Phynance indigestion.
BUTTOCKSMOUSTACHE
This is revolting. Honh, Swire, a little help. I can’t do
everything.
UBU
No, I don’t want to do anything. I’m tired.
BAR-SNISTER (returning)
What snow, friends! You’d think we were in Castile, or at the North Pole. Night’s coming on. In an hour it’ll be dark. Let’s hurry while we can still see.
UBU
You hear that, Buttocksmoustache? Hurry up! Skewer that beast and cook it up. I’m hungry.
BUTTOCKSMOUSTACHE
That’s too much, pig! Work, or you get nothing!
UBU
Oh, I don’t care. I’d just as soon eat it raw, so there. Anyway, I’m tired.
BAR-SNISTER
We’ve got a flame.
UBU
Oh, that’s good. Now it’s warm. (Falls asleep.)
BAR-SNISTER
Honh, Buttocksmoustache, I’d like to know if what Li’l Rensky said is true, that Mother Yubu has been dethroned. I think we should enquire into the veracity of these reports.
BUTTOCKSMOUSTACHE
Think we should ditch Yubu?
BAR-SNISTER
Well, the night brings wisdom. Let us sleep, and in the morning we shall see what must be done.
BUTTOCKSMOUSTACHE
On the other hand, we should profit by the night to travel.
BAR-SNISTER
All right, let’s go. (THEY GO.)
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(Scene 8:UBU SOLUS, talking in his sleep.)
UBU
Hey, Mister Russian Dragoon, don’t shoot this way! There’s someone here! There’s MacTurdy and Buggerlass chasing me! Go away, Buggerlass, you hear me? Get out of here, you damn bear! You look like MacTurdy. Do you hear me, Creature of Satan? No, he doesn’t hear, the Scumbags have cut off his earholes. Debrain, demurder, decut the earholes, rip out the Phynance and drink oneself to death, that’s the life of a Scumbag, that the joy of the Master of Phynance!
(SILENCE. HE sleeps.)
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(PLACARD: ACT V: THE SAME, ENTER MOTHER UBU.)
MOTHER UBU
At last I’m safe! Crossing all Poland in three days. I’ve just missed being lapidated by that Buggerlass and his gang of maniacs. I’ve lost my cavalier, the Plodin Lap-Bone, who was so in love with my attractions that he swooned just by looking at me, and even,so I’m told, when he wasn’t looking at me, which is the pinnacle of tenderness. He let himself be cut in pieces for me, poor boy. A thousand times I have barely escaped death, smothered by Polacks obsessed with killing me. At last, after four days of slogging through what was my kingdom, I find refuge here. Ah! I’m dead with fatigue and chill! But I would love to know what has become of my fat Punchinello! I stole his Polish Dollars and gave him a set of antlers besides!
And his Phynance-horse, that died of hunger? He didn’t see much grain, poor beast --
UBU (waking)
Catch Mother Ubu! Cut her earholes!
MOTHER UBU
O God, where am I? I’m losing my mind!
Thank the Lord, methinks I see My Lord and Master Ubu sleeping next to me! Let us make use of this situation and the darkness to simulate a supernatural apparition.
(Other voice:)
Well, my fine fellow, have you slept well?
UBU
Very badly! That bear was tough! A battle of voracity versus indigestibility, but voracity has completely -- Huh? Someone spoke!
MOTHER UBU
Yes, Mister Ubu, one does speak, and the archangel that will summon the dead from the cinders and final ashes would speak no differently. Listen to this voice! It is that of St. Gabriel, who gives nothing but good advice.
UBU
Bar-Snister? Buttocksmoustache? Answer me, Shinsacks!
MOTHER UBU
Do not interrupt me, or I shall be silent, and you can hang your gutsack on that!
UBU
Oh, My Gutsack! I am silent, I say nothing ...
MOTHER UBU
God damn it, shut up!
UBU
Hey, angels don’t swear!
MOTHER UBU
Shins. (Recovers:) Are you married, Mr. Ubu?
UBU
Hopelessly, to the world’s worst shrew.
MOTHER UBU
You mean, to a charming lady.
UBU
A horror! She has claws all over, you don’t know where to take her.
MOTHER UBU
-- O God, the sun is coming up! -- Mr. Ubu, your wife is adorable and delicious; she hasn’t a single fault.
UBU
You’re wrong. There’s not a fault she doesn’t have.
MOTHER UBU
Your wife is not unfaithful.
UBU
Who’d be interested? She’s a harpy!
MOTHER UBU
Well, she doesn’t drink.
UBU
Since I took away the key to the cellar. Before that she was drunk at 8 in the morning and stank of alcohol all day.
MOTHER UBU
You moron! Your wife does not steal your money.
UBU
No? That’s interesting.
MOTHER UBU
Not a penny!
UBU
Witness our noble and unfortunate Mr. Phynance-horse, who having starved for three months, participated in the entire campaign at the end of a bridle.
MOTHER UBU
These are lies! Your wife is a model, and you are a monster!
UBU
My wife is a bitch, and you’ve got it all screwed up.
MOTHER UBU
Take care, Mr. Ubu!
UBU
I forgot who I was talking to, I didn’t say that.
MOTHER UBU
You murdered Wenceslas.
UBU
It wasn’t my fault. Mother Ubu wanted it.
MOTHER UBU
You drove the Queen and Buggerlass from the Palace.
UBU
They tried to hit me.
MOTHER UBU
You broke your promise to MacTurdy and later killed him.
UBU
I preferred myself as Duke of Lithuania.
MOTHER UBU
There is only one way for you to be absolved of your crimes.
UBU
Well, I’m ready to become a holy man. In fact, I want to be a bishop, and have my name on the calendar.
MOTHER UBU
You must pardon Mother Ubu for borrowing a little money.
UBU
Oh sure, I’ll pardon her, when she returns it all, when she’s been flogged, and when she’s brought my Phynance-horse back to life.
MOTHER UBU
He’s in love with that horse. -- I’m lost, the sun is rising?
UBU
At least I know for certain that my dear wife is robbing me. I know it from an unimpeachable source! But Madame Apparition is silent. What she said was very amusing! Ho! The sun is coming up:
‘Pon my Phynance-horse, it’s Mother Ubu!
MOTHER UBU
False! I’ll excommunicate you!
UBU
I see you, you stupid scab. What are you doing here?
MOTHER UBU
Lap-Bone is dead, and the Polocks chased me.
UBU
The Russians chased me. Great minds run the same way!
MOTHER UBU
Let’s hear the story of your campaign, Ubu.
UBU
It’s too long. Well, here you are, corpse-eater -- ready to take your last rites?
MOTHER UBU
Oh oh oh, Mr. Ubu!
UBU
Oh oh oh! Are you finished? I begin: torque of the nose, plucking out of the hair, penetration of the little stick of wood into the earholes, extraction of the brain, and finally, the great Reformed Decapitation of St. John the Baptist, taken entire from the 3 Scriptures, amended and preefected by the here-present Master of Phynance! Ready, stewpot?
MOTHER UBU
Mercy, Mr. Ubu!
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(Scene 2:ENTER BUGGERLASS.)
BUGGERLASS
Forward!
UBU
Wait a minute, sir! Just wait until I’m finished with my better half! (To BUGGERLASS:)--Take that Polack -- Bastard -- Hussar -- Spyard -- Satard -- Flyfart -- Savoyard -- Communard!
BUGGERLASS
Take that, Coward -- Beggar -- Drunkard -- Tartar -- Anarchist -- Villain -- Turk!
MOTHER UBU
Take that, Eunuch -- Pig -- Felon -- Actor --Wastrel -- Filthbag -- Barrelstave! Sample this foot, Polock!
UBU
Will this be over? If I only had my Phynance-horse!
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(Scene 3: ENTER BUTTOCKSMOUSTACHE)
BUTTOCKSMOUSTACHE
Long live Ubu, our great Phynancier!
UBU
Hurrah! We need you, Knights of Phynance!
BUTTOCKSMOUSTACHE
Bugger off, Polock! -- Honh, Swire, come on, push for the open; once outside, we can run for it. We’re nearly there!
UBU
Ah! I’ve gone in my pants! Forward, Horngutsack! Dekillem, Debloodem, Deburnam, Demassacrem! Outside, let’s go!
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(Scene 4 PLACARD; THE PROVINCE OF LIVONIA; UBU, MOTHER UBU, PLODIN.)
UBU
I think they’ve given up catching us.
MOTHER UBU
Buggerlass has gone to his coronation.
UBU
I don’t envy him that crown.
MOTHER UBU
You’re right, Ubu.
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(Scene 5: A Ship On The Baltic: THE UBUS, BUTTOCKSMOUSTACHE, CAPTAIN.)
CAPTAIN
A fine wind.
(The SHIP heels over.)
UBU
O God! We’re falling over!
CAPTAIN
All hands to windward. Set the Foresail.
UBU
No! Don’t all stand on the same side! It’s not safe! Suppose the windward changes sides?
CAPTAIN
Back her. Close and full there!
UBU
No, don’t back her! We want to go forward! I will command here, you stupid Captain! Prepare to come about! Raise the sails and reef them! Tack behind the wind! You see, it goes very well. Come across the waves, and it’ll be perfect.
CAPTAIN
Haul in the main jib. Take a reef in the topsails.
UBU
That’s not bad! Haul in the main rib, and tuck in the cocktails!
MOTHER UBU & BUTTOCKSMOUSTACHE
Navigation is a wonderful thing!
UBU
Sir Boy, bring us something to drink.
MOTHER UBU
What a delight to soon be seeing our sweet France, our old friends, our chateau at Montdragon.
UBU
Yes, we’ll soon be there.
MOTHER UBU
OH! What a jolt!
UBU
We just passed Elsinore.
BUTTOCKSMOUSTACHE
And now our dark prow speeds across the dark waves of the North Sea.
UBU
That misanthropic and inhospitable ocean that washes the the land called Germany, so named because of the Germs that infest it.
MOTHER UBU
They say it’s a fine country.
UBU
Ah, gentlemen, as fine as it may be, it is not so fine as Poland. Here’s to Poland, for without Poland, there would be no Polocks!
THE END
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SOME NOTES ON PRODUCTION
Like all “classics”, UBU-REX is prone to being “designed” or having a “concept” imposed on it. I once saw a production in which Jarry’s “spoiled child” note on Ubu was made the keynote, and all the actors were dressed in short pants and licked lollipops. It was revolting, of course. This translation is intended for a threadbare type of production, one which seems to me in accord with Jarry’s expressed theatrical ideas (in the letter to Lugne-Poe of 8 January, 1896; On the Futility of Theatrical in the Theatre; and Twelve Theatrical Topics).
For our costumes, we took it as a point of honor to get them off the street. A feeling of timelessness, which Jarry characterized as “pistols in the year 1000”, can be achieved in this way. We used overcoats as the costume staple, as they are easily changed and can define a character in a broad stroke.
As the props are mainly weapons, we used sticks wrapped in cloth or foam, and were able thus to maximise the Punch-and-Judy violence.
For sets, we used the placards suggested by Jarry, and had them handled in a matter-of-fact way by the actors.
Our orchestra consisted of an untuned piano, kazoos, blocks, and noisemakers. The original music by Claude Terrasse is of course available, but seems rather too “musical” for a producation of the “play”.
As for performance: our masks immediately dictated a broad and gestural style of acting. Virtually everything must be played straight front, and precise vocal and physical charcterization become crucial. In addition, we attempted to achieve a visual effect as similar as possible to a puppet-stage.
These notes are not intended to be a radical re-examination of Ubu, or the Theatre. They are a plan, a suggested plan, for a conventional, straight-forward production of UBU-REX. To anyone familiar with Jarry’s writings, all this will seem quite banal.
UBU-ROI is assigned reading in most freshman theatre history courses, as a sort of absurdist watershed. In fact, UBU-REX is an amusing piece of slapstick which, like most plays which fail to disappear, may contain some insights into the human psyche. My attempt here has been to try to rescue UBU-REX from becoming “literature,” and return it to the stage.
MERDRE.
Oakley Hall III
This version of UBU-REX was first presented by the UBIQUE COMPANY at the Hansen Galleries, 70-72 Wooster St. SoHo, New York City. It was produced by Richard Zobel and Linnaea Tillett, assisted by Mary Hall, and in association with Ken Hansen and Joyce Herman. Music by Joseph Lyons. Lighting by Seth Tillett. Masks designed and built by Richard Zobel. Directed by Oakley Hall III
CAST
UBU Richard Zobel
MOTHER UBU/CZAR/PLODIN BAR-SNISTER Michael Griffin
MACTURDY/BUGGERLASS/BEAR/CAPTAIN Steven Patterson
WENCESLAS Joseph Lyons
QUEEN/BUTTOCKSMOUSTACHE Oakley Hall III
Presented starting December 10, 1976.
The UBIQUE COMPANY is a project of the LEAGUE OF THEATRE ARTISTS, INC.
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UBU-REX was presented a second time under the auspices of PROVOS, at LEXINGTON CONSERVATORY THEATRE, Lexington, New York, during the summer of 1977.
CAST
UBU Richard Zobel
MOTHER UBU/CZAR/BEAR Steven Rotblatt
MACTURDY/QUEEN/BAR-SNISTER/LAP-BONE Seven Patterson
BUGGERLASS/BUTTOCKSMOUSTACHE/CAPTAIN Winship Cook
WENCESLAS/GHOST Oakley Hall III
Stage manager, Wendy Chapin. Lighting by Linnaea Tillett. Occasional music by Axel Gros.
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